Twinges of Guilt

Every mother, even those with only neuro-typical kids, knows that each child develops at a different pace.  Just because two kids have the same mother and the same father and grow up in the same household does not mean they will have similar personalities.  This is undeniably true.  I’ve always thought that similar personalities in siblings are a freak of nature.  Maybe because I am one of four and none of us are alike.

Yet, I still find myself guilty when I celebrate the baby’s milestones.  I feel as though I am somehow being disloyal to H.  I do believe, thoroughly and truly, that he is perfect and wonderful as he is; I could not love him more.  But I do feel an extra bit of excitement to know that the baby is a neuro-typical child. 

I’m not sure I am cut out to be the mother of a special needs child.  I’m doing it, but I’m not sure I’m doing it well.  There are so many people out there who do it better.  There are actually people out there who choose to do it.  This was not something I signed up for, but had thrust upon me. 

I am always looking for signs that the baby might not be neuro-typical.  I know it is because I feel as though we missed a lot of early intervention with H because I didn’t know sooner.  Or, at least, I didn’t officially recognize it; deep down I knew something was off by the time he was six months old.  I just allowed myself to be told by everyone, including the pediatrician, that it was because he was a boy or late developer or a preemie.  I still feel behind the eight ball and I just don’t want to be there with two children.

I am just so happy that the baby says “mama” and doesn’t scream his head off in the bathtub or try to drown himself when I wash his hair.  I’m also thrilled that he isn’t so easy-going in some situations; something I now realize was H’s way of shutting down to deal with being overwhelmed.  Yet, if I celebrate these things and the normal milestones of first words and other communication, I just can’t help feeling like I am saying something is wrong with H.  That he isn’t perfect and whole.  He might not be the average kid, but he IS perfect and whole.

Either way I feel guilty.  I feel as though I’m slighting a child no matter how I handle it.  Maybe it’s because people will ask if I worry about the baby.  Or that our (new) pediatrician looks harder at the baby because of family history and usually tells me when I answer questions that I know what I’m looking for. 

Did I do wrong by H in the first place by allowing my concerns to be dismissed?  I just wanted to believe that was it.  And how horrible is that?  Is it because I won’t repeat the same mistakes?

I don’t know what it is, or why it is.  I just know that I have to figure out a way to celebrate both children as freely as I can.  I don’t have these pangs with my older two, but then again, they are long past hitting several milestones in a year and potty-training.  Oh, that potty-training…