The Great Marshmallow Meltdown

Today we experienced the Great Marshmallow Meltdown.  It all started with my oldest (10) shouting at me.  OK, that’s not where it began, but it’s where this story starts.  “I hate you!  You’re no fair!  Life is no fair!”

To Which I replied, “It’s OK that you hate me.  It’s not your obligation to love me, and I’m OK with that.  I love you, with all my heart, which is why it’s partially my job for you to hate me from time to time.”

“I don’t care.  I hate you!  I want a new mother.”   {{ And, yes, I am trying to find a font that can slightly represent the disdain in his voice}}

“Sorry.  You got stuck with me.”

“Life isn’t fair!  It’s just not fair!!”

“Yes, it’s fair.  What it isn’t, is equal.  Never confuse fair with equal.”

“Quit telling me that!”

Yes, that is my mantra:  “Life is fair.  Life isn’t equal.”  That is the thing with having a child(ren) who needs more, or less, from time to time.  When your kids aren’t on equal playing ground, you need to recognize that everything is different in every situation.  I truly believe that is regardless of having a special needs child or not.  It’s just when you have a special needs child it shows up more often. 

My children all have the same two parents.  They live in the same house.  They attend the same schools, if not at the same time.  But they don’t have the same things.  They don’t share a room.   My oldest has a small closet compared to the other three, but he has a beautiful view of the lake from his bedroom and a window in his closet.  My second has a bathroom all to himself.  They have different teachers because they have different learning styles.  And, due to their different needs, we parent each of them differently.  Yes, I am four moms rolled into one.

I parent each child, give privileges to each child, have restrictions on each child based on THAT child’s needs and abilities.  I think this is fair.  It’s not equal, but it is fair.  My oldest can go off with his friends without an adult.  He is responsible and a rule follower.  He is independent and smart and developmentally on track.  He participates way more in many different activities.  I can say with absolute certainty that #2 and #3 will not be able to do so at the same age. 

So, when my second, who can barely stand any foods (his super sensitive taste buds—SPD issues), got marshmallows for a snack and I told my oldest no, we had the Great Marshmallow Meltdown.  Yelling.  Screaming.  Door Slamming.  Downright horrible, unacceptable behavior.  Stuff that isn’t going to get him a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g!

Now, I did offer #1 a snack (healthy), but he was leaving for a birthday party where he would be consuming cake and ice cream and all sorts of other junk (sleepover), so I didn’t think it was something he needed.  And, those marshmallows were for a recipe I plan to try.  And he treated himself to ice cream at lunch and a child brought in cookies for her birthday.  Volunteering has its advantages of giving you knowledge.

I try to remain calm during these bouts of explosive hormones.  Who knew how hormonal a 10 year old tween could be?  He gets that early puberty thing from my husband, like most of their less than stellar traits.  He doesn’t read this.  J  Just in case your wondering…  If I stay calm and rational, I get my son’s goat.  OK, childish, but who isn’t from time to time? 

It leads me to think though, how do you explain that when you have a child whose needs are different, why they get “special treatment” from time to time?  Why it is fair.  My kids who don’t get the privileges my oldest get, feel slighted.  My oldest feels slighted because he thinks the others are getting something he doesn’t.  And they aren’t wrong.  But it is still fair, if not equal.

Ah, well, hopefully they’ll understand as adults.  When they have their own hormonal tween child screaming at them.  And, hopefully, they’ll love me by then.